Thoughtful Thursday ..... It Really Is All About the Bass!

http://modcitymag.com/were-all-about-that-meghan-trainor/

A while back I wrote a blog about sexism in advertising and there was a video about how the "perfect" models we see in magazines are photoshopped to perfection. While I appreciated the woman giving the presentation I am not so sure she would hold the attention of young women of the world.

This however will:

I LOVE this song/video! I love the fact that while they are singing about boys that will appreciate their "booty" the women in the video are not sexualized, they are confident, they are happy, they are having fun. They are being sexual in a subtle refreshing way. They are not saying - eat all you want and become unhealthy, they are saying be happy with what you are born with and don't make yourself sick trying to be something you are not. That is at least what I got out of it.

It reminded me of the impact this Dove Soap "Real Beauty" project had on me the first time I saw it:

Dove also commissioned a study on "beauty" and women's concept of beauty. The below comes from the study's conclusion:

The study demonstrates that authentic beauty is a concept lodged in women’s hearts and minds and seldom articulated in popular culture or affirmed in the mass media. As such, it remains unrealized and unclaimed. This idea of beauty appears to have been replaced by a narrower definition that is largely located in limited ideals of physical appearance. It appears that the word “beauty” has – in many ways – become functionally defined as “physical attractiveness.” This definition of beauty is powerfully communicated through the mass media and has been assimilated through popular culture. It is this ideal that many women measure themselves against and aspire to attain. However, because this ideal is extremely difficult to achieve, women find it difficult to think of themselves as beautiful. This can contribute to unhappiness and low self-esteem and self-worth – especially among those women (often younger) who are more likely to take their cues from popular culture. 

It is almost reminiscent of Lady Gaga's "Born this Way" video in which she performed sans outrageous costumes in response to people who had called her ugly, who had said she looked like a man. This was another anthem for the youth to instill a belief that they are ok just the way they are (granted, Gaga is not as happy & uplifting as "All About the Bass").

Each time I hear an anthem song, or see a real beauty campaign I think to myself, this is it, things will change. But then I turn on the television and I see commercials telling women & girls of all ages that they need more make-up, or anti-aging cream to be attractive & keep their man. I open another magazine and see another unrealistic example of perfection women are supposed to aspire to. 

But with every new anthem there is hope .... there is always hope! 

Anyone can be a father .... it takes someone special to be a dad!

I got a post on a blog the other day that mentioned Andy Rooney. It made me smile and think of my dad. We watched 60 Minutes together every Sunday and I always waited for Andy Rooney at the end, he was my favorite. 

I have a father, the man my mother was married to when I was born. He was my biological father. He died many years ago and he is actually a story for another time. With Father's Day this weekend this blog a tribute to my dad!

My mom re-married when I was four and my dad adopted me so that we would all have the same last name. He and my mother did not have other children .... I was it! My dad was not the easiest person in the world to live with. He had been in the military and believed there was only one way to do things "the right way." Growing up he was a meat & potatoes kind of guy and we would all have dinner together every night. We would watch "World News Tonight with Peter Jennings" on the little black&white TV in the kitchen with the orange flower 70s wallpaper. We could only speak during commercials so mom and I would try and fit in all we had to say while they were trying to sell some sort of cleaning product. I know is sounds pretty intense, but it wasn't. I learned a lot during those dinners. 

In fact, the most important and valuable life lessons I learned, I have learned from my dad.

I remember he taught me self defense in my room when I was little. He told me if I was ever in trouble I should shout "Fire" because no one will stop and help you unless they think they could be in danger as well.

He taught me how to laugh at British humor ..... Benny Hill, Monty Python ..... these were shows we watched together. I had no idea what I was laughing at, but my dad thought it was funny so I laughed too. I remember my mom would always get mad because it seemed like whenever she walked in the room Benny Hill was chasing a gaggle of bra clad women.

He taught me to love animals because unlike people they had no agenda. 

He told me I could be whatever I wanted and that I should never let anyone tell me otherwise. 

He told me I should never stop learning. We read magazines like Time and Newsweek, he always read nonfiction.

He taught me to dress respectably. He ironed his own clothes for work everyday and wore a jacket and tie. He did not wear jeans until he retired (this was the same time he bought a motorcycle).

He taught me to appreciate long rides along back roads, he taught me to climb rocks at Stage Fort Park in Gloucester .... while my mother looked on panic stricken. 

Stage Fort Park ~ Gloucester

He hated dance recitals because they took all day, but he never missed a dress rehearsal ... where he had the option to come and go while waiting for my next routine (which taught me to multi-task so I could fit in the things that are important to me). He came to every play and every concert (though I am sure my mom had to elbow him a couple of times to keep him from snoring).

He taught me that the first time it is an accident .... the second time I need to take the blame (this applied to spilled milk, broken dishes or falls down the hill). 

He taught me that if I could get a "B" I could have worked harder and gotten an "A." He taught me I should read every day.

He taught me the importance of saving a dollar, wearing clothes until they are worn out. Everything you purchase has a life expectancy, take care of it as you would care for yourself. 

He taught me to swear properly and with feeling. This did not go well with the other neighborhood mothers as I tried to explain to people it was not puppy poop ..... it was dog shit.

He taught me that he would go to the ends of the earth for me as he saved me from a swarm of bees whose hive I had plunged through while climbing the rocks in the backyard.

My dad taught me the importance and value of a good nap! 

But the most important lesson my dad taught me is that you don't need to be blood to be family. It is a lesson I have brought with me into my relationships and friendships, a lesson I have tried to instill in my children. If you lead with your heart, the rest will fall into place. 

Today my dad passes these lessons on to my boys. He tries not to ever miss a soccer game, or a concert, or a birthday party. He may be a little older, a little slower, a little more cranky - but the lessons are still the same.

Happy Father's Day to all the fathers, dads, grandpas, uncles, step-dads, brothers and friends that help raise our children! Enjoy your day! 

I found some interesting Father's Day blogs & stories I want to share:
The Science of Being a Dad
White House Urges Dads to Join Work/Life Balance Conversation

Thoughtful Throwback Thursday ......Ahhhh to be young again

So once again it is Throw-back Thursday. But for me it was nightmare midterm day. Two exams that I studied really hard for. One I did well on .... the other not so much. Shear panic hit the moment he put the paper in front of me. And I looked around at all the young adults who were breezing through their exams and I panicked a little more - and that was it, I was all done.

Jung, Beck, Freud, Millon, Buss, antisocial, borderline, CAPS Theory, Attachment Theory, psychodynamics, defense mechanisms, Evolutionary Theory ........ blah, blah, blah .... it all became one jumble of information in my brain that I just could not sort through ... so I guessed. The good news is the exam was multiple choice and so I had a 25% chance of getting each one correct. Glass half full right!

After I stopped crying on the ride home I wondered what it would be like if I had done things differently and figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up when I was in my twenties instead of when I was in my forties. Where would I be now?

I came of age in the 1980s - my role models were Madonna and Pat Benatar. I went to the movies and wanted desperately to be Andy from Pretty in Pink while at the same time I identified with Allison in the Breakfast Club. I listened to both Heart & Zepplin and watched The Wall looking for the meaning of life; but deep down I was a Goonie 'till the end! I learned feminism from Salt N' Pepa and formed my rebellion watching the Legend of Billy Jean & Footloose when we finally got cable. My vampires did not sparkle, and that was ok because they introduced me to the Doors. Rod Stewart led me to believe I could make it on my own.

But in all those contradictory identities I tried on as I came of age I never really knew what I wanted to be. I never thought about careers or college or the future (unless it had a DeLorean involved). The 1980s were the "me" generation. We believed we could be anything we wanted to be ... the problem was there were a lot of us that had no idea what that meant.

When I finally ended my rebellion against the "man" and tried to figure out what I was going to be, my ideas were still pretty grandiose. I was by this point in my early twenties and I wanted to be a journalist - the next Woodward or Bernstein or Cronkite or Jennings. I was going to save the world with my insight as a crusader for the downtrodden. My undergraduate degree is in journalism; I worked for a summer at a small local newspaper and realized that the reality of "writing" for a paper consisted of obituaries, and craft fairs and spending the day in court writing about who got arrested - all valid and useful information - but I realized I was not going to topple corrupt governments where I was. So I got a degree in domestic violence advocacy - at least here I thought I would do some good, and I think I did. I worked in a shelter for a few years as an advocate, but the pay was awful (I was a single mother trying to survive) and the hours were miserable and the stress was intense almost everyday. I burnt out quickly and went back to what I was good at - higher education and pushing paper! The pay is ok, the hours are usually flexible, and sometimes I even still have an impact.

 

But the calling to move on is strong, the question of what do I want to be when I grow up ever present. What legacy am I going to leave to my children? And so here I am, in my forties sitting with kids in their twenties, trying to make it all work, fitting an internship into my already chaotic life, sitting on my hands when I want to tell the professors none of this really matters in the real world - teach me skills, not theory. 

I started this blog during my midterms in April- and just got around to finishing it more than a month later. That is where my life is at right now. And that is ok. If you don't keep learning, I believe your brain dies. I don't mean everyone needs to go back to graduate school in their forties (in fact I am not sure I would recommend that to anyone), but you need to keep learning, you need to keep changing, you need to be willing to "take chances, make mistakes & get messy" (sorry - I have been watching a lot of Magic School Bus with the 7-year-old). It is, however, a valuable lesson and that is the legacy I want to leave my children.

So what would have happened if I went the traditional route - perhaps I would have my Ph.D. and a private practice - but I am not sure I would have been happy. Happiness should not be found in the destination, it should be found in the journey!

Thoughtful Thursday ..... what would it be like to not worry about money?

Let's be honest .... a million dollars doesn't mean much anymore. Really, how long could you live a moderately stable life with a million dollars, after you pay off the house, purchase a car, and maybe take the trip you have always wanted to take you may have a year or two without having to find a job. Granted - once you found that job you wouldn't have a mortgage which would be nice.

 

So why the blog about cash - I am not poor, the bills get paid, my kids get fed, we have some extras and while I will probably never be able to travel the world and get to all the places on my "places I want to visit" Pinterest Board I am ok ... and then ....

 

This morning I saw a news article about a theft at Joel Osteen's church. The church raised $600,000.00 in one weekend! I am not even going to get into a conversation about Joel Osteen and his "church" but I will ask, what does the "church" need with $600,000.00 a weekend (that amount does not include the credit card numbers that were placed in the collection dish!)? Isn't there a vow of poverty? Looking at Mr. Osteen's suit, religion has paid him well. I am pretty sure God did not envision a mega-church as the place people go to for lessons on living a virtuous life. But apparently 40,000 people a weekend disagree with me.

 

But the idea for this blog occurred prior to my hearing about the plight of the Osteen "church."

 

I am having a midlife crisis. I decided last year that I would go back to graduate school. It isn't that I hate my job - but I hate my commute. I figured if I was going to change careers I would change it to something that I have always wanted to do. So I am attempting to get first my Master's in mental health counseling, and then my license so I can be an actual counselor. I should have done this while I was young! Just sayin'

 

Part of my program is that I need to complete a 15 hour a week internship for the MSMHC and then a 30 hour a week internship for the CAGS program to get my license. The majority of the people in my program are in their 20s, most not working and living with mom & dad, so adding an unpaid internship into their lives is not much of a problem. But being a 40 something mom w/a mortgage makes this process a bit more complicated. And a bit more stressful!

 

I have a rather long commute to work everyday and it gives me a lot of time to think. I have concluded that in order to accomplish my goal I either need to add an eighth day in the week - or win $250,000.00 so that I can quit my job until I finish my program. Looking at in black & white that is a huge number! I find myself dreaming about it, stressing out about it, playing the lottery on the weekend praying for it. As much as I hate to admit it that number has taken over my life (and not in a good way). It is the thing keeping me from accomplishing a simple goal .... I am not greedy, I don't want a big house, or a fancy car, and I can even live without traveling the world. All I want is to finish the degree I should have finished years ago and have a shorter commute so I can spend some more time at home. A friend of mine at work suggested that I find 100 friends who are willing to donate $2,500 to the cause - when I said that was an awesome idea and when could I expect her check she just giggled (I guess you can tell how well that is going to work).

 

So, the realization that a "church" in which the "pastor" wears thousand dollar suits got $600 thousand in donations in one weekend was a little bit disheartening.

 

So in reality this blog was all about venting ... I will find an internship that work with my schedule .... I will complete my graduate degree .... I will find a job without a crazy commute ... it just won't be easy (nothing worthwhile ever is according to both my Yia-Yia and my Nana). The insurance companies will take care of the "mega-church" and Mr. Osteen will continue preachin' and the world will continue to turn.

 

But if I had a millions dollars .......

Thoughtful Thursday ... what every child should see

I have come across two things recently that I feel strongly every middle-class American child should see.

The PBS Frontline Documentary that tries to answer: What Does Poverty Mean to Children? and a photo essay entitled: When a Kid's Bedroom Isn't a Room.

I saw the documentary right before Thanksgiving and I sat on my comfy couch - with my big television and my laptop and everything else that I see every single day and the guilt washed over me and I just cried. I went on Facebook and I vented but that doesn't seem enough.

I worked in a shelter for battered women and children for a number of years. I remember they came to the shelter with the clothes on their backs and maybe a backpack. People asked me over and over how I could work in such a depressing environment. The answer always was that there was joy in that house. A sense of hope and a sense of unity that I have yet to find anywhere else. Do not get me wrong - it was stressful and it was frustrating and it was hard. The hardest part for me was leaving my job at the door of the shelter when I went home. But I thought that was my calling - to help others as others had helped me. But I got burnt out ... always with the system, never with the women.

I think this was a good experience for my older son because he would come to the shelter with me and help sort through donations. He would come with me to events and things - he got to see children who were happy with what they had  - and they did not have much.

Now I teach a class on social change to college students. I try to teach them that there is a connection between everything in the world (specifically for this course there is a connection between the government (public) sector, the business (private) sector and society (nonprofit) sector). I try to teach business students about corporate social responsibility - about giving back for all that they receive.

I try to teach social entrepreneurship - let students know that making a difference and making a profit do not need to be mutually exclusive. So maybe this is my way to give back ... I don't know.

But what I can do is make sure that when my children ask for new phones and iPods and video games and action figures they understand that there are children who don't have toys. When the six-year-old complains that there is not enough food he likes in the house I can remind him that there are children who have no food. When they get frustrated that we don't have the money to do all that we want to do or get them all that we want to get them I can remind them of the 10-year-old girl in the documentary collecting cans so her family can have money for food - while they are living in one motel room with no refrigerator.

The world we live in is so insane! The distribution of wealth sometimes makes no sense to me. We work and work really hard to succeed in our own version of the American dream - and then realize that we are really one tragedy away of raising our children in a shelter. It is scary. And what we really want to do is hide from it - because in it we see ourselves.

So pay it forward - one good deed at a time - small bites.

• Teach the lesson at home that you can't judge a book by its cover.
• Teach the lesson at home that being grateful fills you more than material things.
• Teach the lesson at home that bringing a smile to a stranger's face counts.
• Teach the lesson at home that living a comfortable life as opposed to an affluent life is not a failure.
• Teach the lesson at home that there is always someone who has it worse than we do.

http://goodypalmer.tumblr.com/post/16638109651/source

It is only when we start looking out for each other and stop looking out for number one that this world will be a better place for all children to live in. Maybe that sounds socialist - but that isn't exactly what I am trying to say. If you work hard you should do well - and you should be proud of doing well. But do not forget that there is someone out there working equally as hard - who may not have had the privileges or opportunities you had, but never-the-less needs to feed their family. Maybe they clean your office, or pick up your trash or wake up at 4:00 am so you can get coffee on your way to work. Those families should not be valued any less than the people who sit in a corner office making the decisions that will impact the lives of people they will never meet.

Thoughful Thursday ..... do you want to be a princess?

An article popped up in my newsfeed today about Disney Studio's newest Princess. Her name is Sophia and she is a little girl (as opposed to the others who are young women). She is meant to be "a positive and educational role model" for preschool girls (and no doubt sell a lot of toys).

There is also a new Pixar movie coming out over the summer called Brave, featuring Princess Merida, who is a "girl" trying to compete with the boys.

There was a point in time when even my five-year-old son was in a princess frenzy, carrying around his small Princess Peach toy everywhere he went. He has since decided he does not like princesses and has no desire to be a prince.

The article about Sophia made me stop and think. It talks about how hopefully this princess (since she is so young) will do more than sit around and wait for her prince to come.

The battle over whether or not Disney princesses are good or bad role models for young girls is endless ....

"This could go on for several movies, touching on points about racism, cookie-cutter gender roles and absurd resolutions that indirectly tell the audience women are powerless"

"Of course a princess movie is romantic and often ends in a wedding, but that is a genre expectation. Growing up watching Disney need no more make a well-read girl think marriage is the only route to happiness than growing up on Westerns forced me to be a cowboy"

I loved Snow White and Sleeping Beauty when I grew up. Even as a young adult I could watch Beauty and the Beast or The Little Mermaid over and over. I wanted the dream. I wanted to be saved. I admit, I brought my oldest son to see Mulan when he was very young, not because I thought he would be interested in a Chinese war movie .... but because I wanted to see Disney's attempt at a strong female role model. I was disappointed .... not because it was a bad movie, but because it showed women that to be powerful they needed to act more like men. Even the trailer for the new Pixar movie seems to be sending the message that no longer will the princess wait around for a prince to save her, she will act like a man and then be successful on her own.

As an adult I learned  that being a princess is not all it is cracked up to be. We learned from Princess Diana that being a princess is not all glitz and glamour. And the recent Princess Kate had premarital counseling to avoid the depressing that Diana dealt with. It makes you realize that perhaps Princess Jasmine from Aladdin was right in leaving the castle to pursue her dreams ..... which do not include being a trophy wife.

My new favorite television show is of course Downton Abbey. These are women that I can see as good role models. Caught between the era of women having no rights or independence, to women wanting and fighting for it. The battle between tradition and social change. And with it all a castle, Lords and Ladies; Dukes and Countesses. In the end our heroine, Lady Mary, gets the boy as well. It has all the romance and feisty ladies all rolled into one - where the men have the power, but the women have the strength.

I was fortunate that I birthed boys. I don't think I would have been a good mother to daughters. They would have been confused as I spouted strong female values .... and still sat down with a big bowl of popcorn to daydream about living in a castle and falling in love with a handsome prince. So instead of raising the next generation of Disney Princesses, I am raising the next generation of Princes. Who (I hope) will value women for what they are instead of what they look like. Who will value independence and free thinking while at the same time showing respect and tenderness. And to those moms who refuse to let their little girls imagine and dream of being a princess I say "lighten up." You can find good role models in the princess realm, as long as you are willing to sit down and talk about it with your little girl about the reality of being a woman.