Has it really been that long........

I can not believe it has been this long since I have written a post. All I can say is life happens. My world, as usual, has been a tornado for the past year. Graduate school was a little more intensive than I had remembered it and with the program I am in requiring practicums & internships along side my everyday job it put a toll on just about everything - my health, my friendships, my marriage, my family and my sanity. 

But today I am in a good space. The Master's degree is finished, I have been promoted to a full-time faculty member at the University for which I work, my practicum led to a paid internship and in May I will graduate with the certificate needed to apply for a license as a mental health clinician. I have only eight more months of complete insanity before I can breathe and begin the new stage of life. I don't know if that means a new job or a new home or what. But I do know it means I get many precious hours back to do the things I enjoy instead of doing the things I have to do. 

It has been two years of working three days in one place, then two days in another, classes at night, grading papers, writing papers, reading chapters I can't remember once I have closed the book cover, exams, having four to-do lists, and many days driving half-way to the wrong place before I remember where I am supposed to be. Add to that raising a 9-year old who has to go to practices and swim lessons and drum lessons, finding time for quiet dinners with my husband, and our newest adventure of coaching soccer and my head spins just thinking about it. 

But I have learned a lot about myself in these two years - I have learned a lot about people - I have learned how to destroy & then save a marriage - I have learned how to be a more present parent - In essence I have learned how to find my Zen again. 

The reality is however that I do not do these things on my own. I have a family that supports me unconditionally in everything I do and a husband that sacrifices everyday so my dreams can become a reality. I am not saying he does this without complaint but he does it without question. We had gotten to the point where we had begun to take each other for granted, after 7 years of marriage I think a lot of couples go through that. We had become fabulous roommates but not very good life partners and in the midst of our chaos we learned to appreciate each other again. We learned to communicate again. And while I can't speak for him, I remembered why I married him in the first place. He is a family man and will do whatever it takes to make the family work. He cares for me when I have worked too hard and my body gives out and he supports our son who is at the heart of everything he does. He is a good man and I am thankful for him everyday. 

I have learned not to take what you have for granted because it can be gone in an instant.

I have learned not to let friendships fall to the wayside (though I am still working on this one).

I have learned that living life online is really not living.

I have learned that when it is all too much - just breathe.

I have learned to be grateful because there are so many others living in chaos & pain.

I have learned that I am stronger than I ever imagined.

In the midst of all the chaos I have been able to look back over the past year and realize that while my world is all topsy-turvy I have been able to continue to find beauty everyday. 

So I may not write here as often, but know I am still taking the time to observe our crazy world .......... and I will be back in full-force soon!

Here we go again .......

I continue to think, as I put my head on my pillow to sleep, I need to write my blog. And then I drift off to blissful dreaming with plans in my head for the most awesome blog anyone has ever written. People all over the world will be overwhelmed with my wit and wisdom. And then the alarm sounds, I can't remember all the amazing observations I have made in my dreams, and I head off to work. Only to find myself thinking of the blog as I again drift off to sleep.

It is a vicious cycle. Much like everything else in life. The same scenario occurs in my world with regards to going to the gym and cutting out bad food. Every night as I drift off to sleep I have a plan to be more productive, more healthy, more creative, just more.

But enough self deprecating. It is summer and I am frustrated. The recession has officially hit my home and altered my way of life and I am frustrated. There will be no camping trip to the White Mountains, there will be a smaller birthday party for the soon to be six-year-old. It will be a scaled down summer. So as politicians battle it out for my vote, as the Supreme Court decides what my healthcare will look like, as Congress makes decisions about my world, as bank CEOs receive millions in bonuses and the cog of capitalism continues to turn I will be trying to figure out how to make happy family memories on significantly less.

So - the birthday party will be a carnival. We had originally thought we would just go to the party store and get the brightly colored games and some prizes. But the prices were outrageous - $29.00 for 6 cans and a ball (really!). So we will make the games ourselves. We are saving empty cans so the kids can knock them down, empty soda bottles for a ring toss, we recycled plastic Easter eggs for an egg race - with some other ideas to come. Then we will have some face painting, balloon making and lots of food. It will still end up costing a fortune, but I think this kind of party creates childhood memories that last (or at least I hope it will). Perhaps I will write a blog about how to plan a carnival party on a budget when I figure it out all the details.

I will be doing lots of day trips this summer. One of the greatest resources people don't think about is your public library. You can find all sorts of discounts and passes for museums and parking at state parks. You won't get to go to Six Flags - but you could spend a day exploring a State Park for free, or spend the day at a Sports Museum for under $10.00. I like to call them adventure days. This week I think we will visit the USS Constitution. Learn a little about history, enjoy the summer heat and spend not much. Then stop at the beach on the way home. The most expensive thing about these adventures is food - but I think for this one we will bring a cooler. 

I am fortunate, my mortgage is not upside down, I don't wonder how I will feed my children every week, my marriage is happy, my kids are healthy, I live in a part of the country where I can visit beaches, and forests and history. But it is a frustrating time - the wealthy continue to gain wealth at the expense of the people, without whom they would have no wealth; the politicians seem so out of touch with the people they were elected to serve, and the middle class who worked so hard is dwindling to nothing. I heard a news report the other day that people who own 2, 3, 4 million dollar homes are under water and are seeking home modification loans. Amazing! I continue to try and refinance, so that the mortgage is not so draining, but I don't qualify - and someone who purchased a $3,000,000.00 home does? The world just makes no sense to me anymore.

So I vent and I complain, but ultimately I am doing all right. So tonight I can put my head on my pillow and plan how tomorrow I will be even better.

Where Have I been?

It has been a really long time since I wrote a post. I got really side-tracked with the Occupy Movement. And then I got really disappointed in the movement and felt guilty about it so I stopped writing. But the other day as I was driving to work I realized how much I missed the blog and decided to get back to my roots (my very young blog roots).

I still belive in the fundamental spirit of the Occupy Movement. And I really think now that the majority of the "occupations" are over it really can begin to sprout roots of a movement. As I listen to polititians gearing up for the 2012 elections they too have begun to create sound bites supporting the movement. But really it is just that, sound bites and face time. Until the movement has some leadership and a clear message they will not be effective. Nor will they be seen as more than a bunch of unemployed people complaining. I believe they are more than that - even if I became cynical of the people who were taking leadership roles. That had all been sorted out at the Boston Occupation - before the courts shut them down. So I do believe there is hope that the movement will grow into something more. And I am proud to say I had a very small part in the beginning - sowing the seeds sort of speak.

The other reality hit me that I am not a good protester. Life got in the way. It is hard to go to a protest when you work 40+ hours a week and have two children depending on you when you get home. I know there are lots of people doing it and I tip my hat to them. That however is just not my world. I became obsessed with following news coverage, commenting on other blogs, updating the list of news articles and trying to get to General Assembly meetings. My work was suffering, my family was being neglected, and lets not even begin to talk about my health. So, I let it go and I felt guilty. So I stopped writing.

And that is where I have been.

But the new year is coming and I am feeling fresh and full of hope again. I am going to go back to my blog plan and make each day interesting again. I will still follow Occupy Boston and be a part of it in my own way - but not at the expense of my health or things I hold dear to my heart.

So back to our regular programing - Observations of a Crazy World!

Maybe if I organize the blog ..... I can organize life!

So, here I am. 7:00 am at the office prepping for class (oh wait, I am writing a blog). But that is me. Organized on paper, not so good in practice. One of the things I blogged about last time was the "lupus fog." It is that feeling you get when you walk into a room and can't remember why you are there ..... but I get it all the time. So there are lots of lists and notes in my life. The problem is I usually forget to read them. So, I like to have things neatly ordered. Which is why this blog can be so frustrating while at the same time cathartic. There are so many ideas for good blogs running through my head I don't know which one to write about first. On my way to work this morning I figured out if I had a topic to write about on a particular day it would help me focus. So here is my plan:

• Medical Monday - there are lots of cool things that happen in the medical world, and some not so cool things. On Mondays I will investigate.
• Literature Tuesday - I love to read and I enjoy writing. So on Tuesdays I will share some passages I love and maybe share some of my own work.
• Wordless Wednesday - I explained this one last Wednesday
• Thoughtful Thursday - this is my spot for current events (usually political). It is helpful if I just pick one event, or one thing going on in the world and talk about it.
• Family Friday - this is not just my family ..... helpful hints, recipes, family living
• Wacky Weekend - I can write about anything I want on the weekend

So, this is my plan. We will see how it works. If I have a plan here, maybe it will help me keep to my plans in my everyday life and tackle some of the to-do lists I have piling up!

Today is Literature Tuesday!



c/o http://www.wbur.org/



On the way to work this morning I was listening to readings from a new collection of poems by Shel Silverstein. I remember his work, it got me interested in poetry as a child and made me want to write my own.

Some of the poems are sad, and I didn't understand them as a child, I just liked the way the words rhyme. I liked the art and the way the poems flowed; to find out today that Shel Silverstein was a perfectionist about this sort of thing made me smile. But most of his poems are just silly. And so today I will share a few that make me smile and think.

EVERY THING ON IT

I asked for a hot dog

With everything on it,

And that was my big mistake.

'Cause it came with a parrot,

A bee in a bonnet,

A wristwatch, a wrench, and a rake.

It came with a goldfish,

A flag, and a fiddle.

A frog, and a front porch swing,

And a mouse in a mask -

That's the last time I ask

For a hot dog with everything.

Forgotten Language

Once I spoke the language of flowers,

Once I understood each word the caterpillar said,

Once I smiled in secret at the gossip of starlings,

And shared a conversation with the housefly

in my bed.

Once I hear and answered all the questions

of the crickets,

And jointed the crying of each falling dying

flake of snow,

Once I spoke the language of flowers . . . .

How did it go?

How did it go?

Whatif

Last night, while I lay thinking here,

some Whatifs crawled inside my ear

and pranced and partied all night long

and sang their same old Whatif song:

Whatif I'm dumb in school?

Whatif they've closed the swimming pool?

Whatif I get beat up?

Whatif there's poison in my cup?

Whatif I start to cry?

Whatif I get sick and die?

Whatif I flunk that test?

Whatif green hair grows on my chest?

Whatif nobody likes me?

Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?

Whatif I don't grow talle?

Whatif my head starts getting smaller?

Whatif the fish won't bite?

Whatif the wind tears up my kite?

Whatif they start a war?

Whatif my parents get divorced?

Whatif the bus is late?

Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?

Whatif I tear my pants?

Whatif I never learn to dance?

Everything seems well, and then

the nighttime Whatifs strike again!

The Little Boy and the Old Man

Said the little boy, "Sometimes I drop my spoon."

Said the old man, "I do that too."

The little boy whispered, "I wet my pants."

"I do that too," laughed the little old man.

Said the little boy, "I often cry."

The old man nodded, "So do I."

"But worst of all," said the boy, "it seems

Grown-ups don't pay attention to me."

And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.

"I know what you mean," said the little old man.

My first memory & favorite blogs ........

My first memory is very vivid. I don't actually know how old I was, but it had to be before I was three because my parents were still living together. We lived in a 2nd floor apartment. I remember it being big - but that could have just been because I was small. I remember my bedroom was off my parent's bedroom and I have a big bay window with a bench you could sit on.

The memory is actually partially a dream about a huge spider. I remember I thought it was at the foot of my bed trying to get me and I screamed. My father came into my room - but I only remember him as a silhouette. He came and got the spider and took it out of my room and put me back to bed. Now I am pretty sure there was not really a huge spider (I mean huge - like Aragog in Harry Potter) and I can't be 100% sure that the whole thing was not a dream. But I remember it. I have very few memories of my father and this is one I hold dear to my heart!

Since I skipped the blog yesterday I shall answer the next question as well. As you know, I am new to the whole blog thing, but I have found a few that I read quite often (well, whenever they post):

Coffee With Cheryl: Cheryl is actually my blog guru! She has taught me all I know (Thanks)

Home Thoughts: Tony is my pen pal from England! Having read my previous blogs you will know what a thrill that is for me!

Mark's Space: Mark writes about writing and has a pretty cool view of things!

Herstory - Poderings, Passions & Politics: The Wizewoman keeps me honest and in touch with my feminism! She reminds me to always be true to me!

The Katherine Wheel: I just started following this one. I just love the way she writes and her outlook on parenting with humor!

Honest to Blog: Sam introduced me to the 30-day blog! And it really has been fun!

So I thought that would be it for today. But Mark shared a video on his blog today that I think should go viral. It is about pride in the face of pain. This man is an incredible spirit and I think everyone should celebrate him and his child!

 

An Observation on Blogging!

So, I did indeed decide that I needed to start reading blogs if I was going to write a blog. For the past 2 hours I have been trying to search blogs that I can easily follow, that are well written, and that are of interest to me. I have come up with one: Lupus Humor and Wellness.

It would be easier if all the blogs had the nice little "follow" button and they fit neatly in the dashboard of blogspot.com. But they don't. So I need to learn about RSS Feeds and such. This, like so many things in life will be a learning experience.

They say that keeping up with technology will help your brain stay young. I don't know about that .... it generally makes my brain hurt. One of the things with Lupus is that your short term memory doesn't always work the way it should. So, I write myself notes and then forget to read them. I have a ton of calanders, but forget to write things down in them. Why all this babbling in a blog about learning to read blogs ..... the reality is I will forget what I read and a week from now I will say something like "I read this really cool thing in a blog last week, wish I could remember what it was."

So, I will keep searching for interesting blogs about interesting things. And I will post them here so that I always have somewhere to go when I forget how I found the blog, or what the name of the person who wrote the blog is.