"A word in earnest is as good as a speech"
~Charles Dickens: Bleak House

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Being a proud failure on a Friday night .....

To say that lupus has reared its ugly head is an understatement. I went to the doctor today with what I knew was an attack of Pleurisy (which is very common in lupus patients). It started last weekend and I was convinced I had pulled a muscle and it would go away in a couple of days .... but it didn't. Now this is entirely my own fault. Since the semester started I have been going into work super early (7:00 am) twice a week to teach, then working my 35 hours, then one night a week I don't get home until about 10:00 pm because I am taking a couple of classes. Throw in a couple of work events, some Parent Teacher Organization meetings, soccer, homework, grading paper ... plus not eating right and you have a recipe for a lupus flare.

Now before you get all "I'm so sorry to hear it" I do not see this as a bad thing. It is my body's way of saying "Leann, what are you thinking?" And so for the weekend I have a Doctor's note which requires me to take it easy, and I will. The only thing that aggravates me is that I was really looking forward to the Boston Ballet perform on the Boston Common this weekend and I may not get to do that (my husband, the sweetheart that he is was going to go with me - but I think he would rather be bringing me avgolemo soup on the couch). Lupus is what it is. There is a great blog I follow called Despite Lupus. It is great for a couple of reasons - she reminds me I need to take care of myself & she reminds me how ok I am because her lupus impacts her life more than my lupus impacts mine.

So I have spent most of today sitting on what the boy calls the "love couch" and I should be grading papers or reading for class or something productive. But I have taken my Tramadol for the pain and my brain is a little too fuzzy to accomplish that at the moment. But I am pretty proud of myself. I have managed to do my nails ... nothing fancy just a little sparkly and purple (my signature color).

And this is the second blog I have written today (because I have to do something). I got watch a bunch of Walking Dead to get caught up for the new season and I plan on some NCIS episodes this evening. So while I am bored out of my skull I am proud of the fact that I have managed to go to the doctor and accomplish some stuff and I have managed to still be awake. Overall good day.

So the failure part. I have been surfing Pinterest and I have been searching for some new blogs to follow. And I have realized a couple of things:
Pinterest is designed to make average moms feel inadequate. Let's be honest - not a lot of men follow Pinterest. And what you find are things like:
  • How to make your sidewalk chalk
    Pinterest nails - so much better than mine!
  • How to make your own dishwasher pellets
  • How to make your own pumpkin scented paint for your kids
  • The endless ideas for Elf on a Shelf!
  • How to make furniture out of found pallet wood
  • How to make your own SportCream
  • How to make your own natural house cleaners
  • And don't even get me started on doing your nails!
It makes moms who don't have time to do all these things feel like failures - and add a chronic illness like lupus to the mix and I feel like spending my day sitting on my couch will completely destroy any chance my son has to grow up a well adjusted human being. Because let's face it - I am more likely to go to the dollar store if we need sidewalk chalk.
 
Then there was the searching of Blogger. I find the same thing in the blogs I am flipping through. Many of them written by stay at home, very religious moms. Now before I get a bunch of flack I have nothing against stay at home religious moms. Their blogs just make me feel like there is a utopian standard of parenting that I am just not living up to. And I have to wonder what is behind the blog. No family can be as perfect as some of these women claim their families are. In my sick twisted brain I am wondering what secrets hide in their closets and if I follow these blogs will I begin to see the cracks in the fa├žade show.
 
Friends who know me and read this are apt to think I am crazy - when I have the energy I try and craft with my son and have him in the kitchen and go on nature walk adventures. More often then not however, I get a bunch of stuff to do crafts and it ends up sitting in my craft closet "until next time." I also like to have big, crazy parties - but what people don't know is that I spend the week before and the week after on the couch!
 
So now that it is Saturday morning and I have spent my time "resting" I have to get up and get ready for my day. It is birthday party day. No, I did not make a gift or a cute gift basket - I got my son's friend a Hallmark card and a gift card to the toy store. By the time I get home I am pretty sure I will be too tired to go to the ballet - but may be able to finagle some Halloween crafts before I get my butt back on the couch. In between I may manage to read a chapter or grade a paper. And in all likelihood it will be a pizza dinner - not with homemade sauce and dough, but delivered from Dominos, followed by some cuddling on the couch and a story before bedtime. This is our world, and really that is just fine by me!




5 comments:

  1. Even without Lupus, this post rings way too true for me. I'm not even a mom, but I do have 6 children each day, and a three year old on the weekends, and I've become much less of a Pinterest fanatic for the simple fact that it makes me feel lazy! I don't think I'm lazy. I work hard each day, I usually make something for dinner each night (weekends with Lorelai make me turn into a much better cook, magically!)Most of our weekends are filled with birthday parties, family events, friends, or errands, and rarely a moment to sit still. When I finally can, I usually steal a catnap. Still, each and every time I look on Pinterest I feel like the worst teacher/housekeeper/pseudo step-mother/girlfriend/person ever. I know that some of my lack of energy is from my own health issues, and I'm proud of myself for pursuing some of my concerns most recently, but I still can't shake that I should have a spotless house, magically transformed to a cute spot using Pinterest tricks, with a wonderful meal on the table and endless activities planned for the children. Unrealistic expectations are the new norm, apparently.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just remember Amber - there is no such thing as perfection. We all take our own path and do our own thing. And that is what makes the world an interesting place. Now, I have to go and make some natural cleaning products (LOL)!

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  2. Hello Leann,
    For the past 5 years as I have had to amend my life style with chronic heart failure I know how you feel!Enjoy your time of reflection!

    Three things occur:
    1. Pascal's famous quote: "All men's miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone".

    2. WH Davis' poem "Leisure"
    What is this life if, full of care,
    We have no time to stand and stare?—
    No time to stand beneath the boughs,
    And stare as long as sheep and cows:
    No time to see, when woods we pass,
    Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass:
    No time to see, in broad daylight,
    Streams full of stars, like skies at night:
    No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
    And watch her feet, how they can dance:
    No time to wait till her mouth can
    Enrich that smile her eyes began?
    A poor life this if, full of care,
    We have no time to stand and stare.

    and 3: A little verse a friend who is terminally ill put out recently:

    Dust if you must, but wouldn’t it be better
    To paint a picture or write a letter,
    Bake a cake or plant a seed,
    Ponder the difference between want and need?

    Dust if you must, but there's not much time,
    With rivers to swim and mountains to climb,
    Music to hear, and books to read,
    Friends to cherish and life to lead.

    Dust if you must, but the world’s out there,
    With the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair,
    A flutter of snow, a shower of rain.
    This day will not come round again.

    Dust if you must, but bear in mind,

    Dust if you must, but wouldn’t it be better
    To paint a picture or write a letter,
    Bake a cake or plant a seed,
    Ponder the difference between want and need?

    Dust if you must, but there's not much time,
    With rivers to swim and mountains to climb,
    Music to hear, and books to read,
    Friends to cherish and life to lead.

    Dust if you must, but the world’s out there,
    With the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair,
    A flutter of snow, a shower of rain.
    This day will not come round again.

    Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
    Old age will come and it’s not kind.
    And when you go - and go you must -
    You, yourself, will make more dust.

    Have a good day!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Apologies Leann - my cutting and pasting skills are clearly not up to scratch - I made a real mess of putting the dusting poem in your comments box! The correct version should be:

    Dust if you must.
    But wouldn’t it be better,
    To paint a picture, or write a letter,
    Bake a cake, or plant a seed?
    Ponder the difference between want and need.

    Dust if you must.
    But there is not much time
    With rivers to swim and mountains to climb!
    Music to hear, and books to read,
    Friends to cherish and life to lead.

    Dust if you must.
    But the world’s out there
    With the sun in your eyes,
    the wind in your hair,
    A flutter of snow, a shower of rain.
    This day will not come round again.

    Dust if you must.
    But bear in mind,
    Old age will come and it’s not kind.
    And when you go, and go you must,
    You, yourself, will make more dust.



    ReplyDelete